Hello, my friends,
Recently I woke up one morning and felt completely different inside. It almost was like a wound that had become "normal" had suddenly healed completely. It was the weirdest thing, but proved that time is essential in the healing process. I was able to finally "wake up" in the person that I had once been and felt a drive and motivation that had escaped me long ago.
I've spent much of the many past few months slowly reemerging from a detrimental darkness and to be able to feel the warmth from the light once again is immensely empowering. I've chosen to build new boundaries, try new things, step outside of my comfort zones, allow people into my life to reestablish genuine connections, and have prioritized curating my day-to-day life around things that makes JESSICA happy. That's a silly thing to say, I know, but focusing in on the things that make me smile, laugh and feel fulfilled has been the anecdote *I* truly needed to breakthrough into this next season of growth and happiness.
Though my retail and crochet opportunities have been adjusted in various ways over the past few years due to my choice in stepping back, I feel a sense of pride in watching that chapter finalize because I SHOULD feel proud of that, and why can't more incredible things come my way again since it's been proven that it CAN happen? Despite a choice to make these changes happen in amidst transitions outside of my control, I was holding on tight to my previous chapters because that's where I was finding my identity and worth. Who was I without everything that my life has been like the last decade? It was so scary to take those first steps into a new reality and I was as reluctant as it gets.
Many of you have visited this website countless times to read life updates, follow patterns written by myself or others around the world or to buy product that I worked so hard with others to create. This site has seen so much neglect in the last few years and, though I needed the break, I feel as though I have neglected YOU. And that makes me sad. Since the last time I showed up in this space, a LOT has happened. Though I will leave a lot of personal details with those in my close circle, I will proudly share the highlights of what has brought me into this new season of life. Over the last two years, I have completed tattoo school (a requirement in the state of Oregon to become a tattoo artist) and have been working as a licensed tattoo artist since December 28, 2022. Those of you that follow along with my Instagram (@the.hook.nook), you are already aware of this. I chose to pursue this change in career after my divorce because each time I went to pick up my hook to create something with yarn, I found myself getting up to do chores instead and just couldn't find that joy that I had for so many years. I think sometimes we need to take a break from things as we heal and maneuver changes in life, and that's ok. I know many of you were upset, worried and even irritated. However, my mental health was top priority and I needed to take that time for ME.
During the break, and after a full year of intentional healing and growth, I found myself exploring the idea of healing my family as well. However, unfortunately, that exploration did not lead to success. And that's ok. However, tattooing has been such a light in my life providing me with the same proud moments, amazing personal connections and creative outlet that crocheting had done for me. I have also been able to work outside my home on a daily basis, challenged myself to learn new things and create a love for creating again. During the most recent life transition I’ve encountered, I was able to be reintroduced to my yarn and hooks once again and I can feel the stir towards wanting to pick my hook up once again. And THAT makes me HAPPY. To me, it shows that all of the trauma I’ve endured over the last few years is being healed and my mind is ready to start dipping my toes back into that craft.
I’ve spent the last couple of months cleaning up the mess I found myself in, catching up on things I’ve had no mental bandwidth to accomplish and am now sitting in the present in its entirety. This is a feeling and opportunity I haven’t had in three years. Though I am only just now sitting here and it will take some time to create these new habits allowing me to STAY in this spot, I am so eager and excited to build a life where I am able to create every single day, smile and laugh without reservation, trust those around me and be supported even when my mind wants to question everything around me. I am absolutely beyond grateful for the circle of people who show up for me, lift me up when I'm down and remind me of all of the good things that surround me when I get tunnel-visioned staring at the bad. My tattoo shop family has been a main source of this and I couldn't be more appreciative. From having my tears wiped, traumas listened to and encouragement in my creativity, these six people have been instrumental to me, even if they are unaware of how hugely they have impacted me.
It’s a scary thing to open yourself back up to possible pain and trauma after enduring it for so long, but I know that I have done the internal work to create boundaries, recognize patterns and trust MYSELF to protect my mental health and general wellbeing so that I am able to appreciate and enjoy all that life has brought me.
I have so many plans moving forward and canNOT wait to share them with you. In the meantime, I want to leave you with this:
Those of you that struggle to get out bed each day, that cry more often than you laugh, that can’t understand the point of enduring each new day, that has depleted pride in one’s self, that have been hurt by those you love the most, that just simply struggle doing the most basic things.. it doesn’t last forever. Though it may feel like the clouds never dissipate, they eventually do and you can begin to feel glimpses of warmth on your skin that encourage you to keep moving forward. Soon, you’ll find bigger patches of sunlight before entering a whole new FIELD of sunshine and joy. Choosing to do the hard work to get there, and enduring the winter leading up to it allows it to be that much more special and life-changing. Just as I mentioned in my keynote speech at the 2018 OML event in Chicago, "...people who choose to think big understand the possibility of falling. They know there are risks in their big dreams and endeavors. They know that not everyone is going to understand what they want to do, why they want to do it and may even possibly go out of their way to try and prevent them from accomplishing those goals. But these people are able to lift their chin just slightly and see the beauty above the crowd. It’s scary to think big. You have to have courage, intention and be self disciplined. It’s a lot to put onto your own plate with everything else that’s already there, but the big thinking people have the upper hand. They may risk falling further than small thinkers, but they certainly have the opportunity to fly higher than even they imagined they could fly."
I know that I’ve written very similar things over the years pertaining to traumas from my childhood and teen years, but they are still valid and pertain to recent traumas as an adult. Never give up, no matter how many times you find yourself in the storm. Because just as often as the seasons of weather change, so do the seasons of life. It is worth every single tear and every single hardship to experience everything you envision your life to be.
Until next time, my friend,
Xo,
Jessica
