I've been going through this existential discovery and a true shedding of an old self that no longer exists. It's been rather excruciating at times, but being able to wake up each morning SMILING and excited to see what the day becomes, is a gift I've been aching for for years now. Sometimes life just decides to slap you so hard in the face that you kind of lose your entire connection to self and rediscovering who that is (or who you want that to be) is a process that has been monumental for me.
Five years ago, I went through a messy and traumatic divorce that left me utterly broken and lost. I went on to endure one metaphorical beating after another for no reason other than so I couldn't "win," plus some familial struggles, deaths, hospital visits, regular daily life... So, sure, it's taken me maybe longer than it could have to bounce back, BUT LET ME FREAKING TELL YOU!!! Over the last handful of years, I've tried all of my regular things that made me feel like "me," I tried new things, I became overly social, I became overly recluse (but even then, I filled my alone time with talking to my mom several times a day through video messenger), I've done every single thing I could to somehow figure out how I can tap back into a part of me that I regarded as special : my alone mind. I never actually even realized that was what I was craving, I just knew I didn't feel like myself anymore and I couldn't shake it. It became so frustrating to know of what I was once capable of, and now I can barely remember to pay the water bill.
I always heard that divorce was hard, but it genuinely broke parts of me and due to things that occurred post-divorce, it’s just taken me a long time to make it back around. Those negative and angry and hateful voices became my inner dialogue and that’s the hardest thing to change. It’s hard to feel motivated and optimistic when you’re struggling to simply stay alive. Sure, things have been able to get less drowning-feeling at times, but there is this cloud I have not been able to clear and I’ve damaged friendships and relationships that meant a lot to me, damaged finances, damaged self.. I’m still cleaning up those messes.
Let me be clear, it’s a messy thing to heal. Sometimes it’s pretty with a bow on it and easy to digest, and sometimes it’s ugly. I am beyond grateful for my shiny moments in this journey, not quite sure I’d have made it without them. But intermittent with those, I had a quiet and secret parasite that only I knew was there and what it looked like. I learned to be better at voicing what it looked like to me so other people could help keep an eye on it’s symptoms, but in the end, there were no amount of bandaids I could use to continue hiding it.
My pregnancy was exceptionally difficult in this regard, and I didn’t even see it happening. I’ll share more about my pregnancy, birth, postpartum soon, but that is when I could see that something was wrong again. I went back on my medication, I started trauma-based therapy, I am overly communicative with my husband during this time so I can practice not keeping it all inside my head. I’m sure it’s so annoying to have this little puppy following him around getting excited to tell him that you remembered to call and schedule that appointment, and then five minutes later stutter through asking a simple question. This is NOT the person he dated nor who I looked like when we got married. I am someone different right now and I feel so terrible about it, it’s actually a huge regression of abilities it feels like. But, he smiles with me through it, tucks my hair behind my ear and wipes my tears when I get upset about it, and listens to me as I verbalize my processing. I’m living a little girl dream come true - got my own Prince Charming over here, except he’s bald and likes Lord of the Rings and podcasts, lots of red meat, asian-cuisine flavors, caffeine and can sit with me and excitedly tell me about the meta-theories he’s just explored in his own mind. He’s so cool.
Recently, I was becoming more and more impatient and irritable and was really struggling with my emotions. It was frustrating because I could see it happening and communicated it with my husband, but I couldn't get rid of it. It just kept getting worse and I had this constant ache in the center of my chest that felt like I was about to cry and scream all at the same time, even though nothing was happening that should have been making me feel like that. So, I decided to spend a day in my bedroom with my baby and just asked for some quiet alone time for the day because nothing was going to change if nothing changed. Well, one day turned into two days - and I felt light coming back inside my mind at this point. I was starting to have conversations with myself that have been needed for quite some time. I started praying, but not about anything in particular. I just wanted to let my subconscious know that it was ok to not know what to say or do. So, it really just looked like, "Hi, God. I feel myself coming back to life. Thank you." And that's it. I started saying "Thank you, God" every time I caught myself talking to myself in a new way, or if I handled a typically stressful situation better than I normally do, or if I noticed a small moment during the day that put a smile on my face. I also had “challenged” myself to only listen to worship music for an unspecified amount of time, just to change things up (I am still currently in that challenge, but I’ve added NF). I’m not a big “tv person,” but you can almost guarantee that I have music playing 100% of the time. So, I decided to lean into the “you are what you consume” narrative and am currently still working on flushing out things I want to look different in my life. Clearly whatever I’ve been doing up to now hasn’t worked, so why not radically give my reality a total upheaval - especially when your husband is on board to join you?
I know, it’s a dumb idea but here I am doing it anyway because why the f*ck not. (Yeah, I haven’t rid myself of curse words, get over it.)
Within this new clarity I was having, I decided to really figure myself out so I can stop crashing out all the time and whoever I am under all of this masking to every single person is going to be accepted because I am clearly needing to rid that fake version of myself. So, slowly I started recognizing my own needs/wants and made space for them.
Problem: I’m needing more alone time than I’m giving myself?
Solution: My husband helped set up our bedroom so it’s perfectly cozy for me to spend my alone time in here and he texts me while I’m clammed up to make sure I don’t need anything, and gives me as much time as I need without making me feel guilty.
He has been monumental in this journey and one day I’ll share the vulnerable truths, but I need more therapy first - HA! Sure, any two people are going to bonk heads at times, and we aren’t invincible from that, but the seriously beautiful thing is that we are both willing to come back, talk it through, listen to each other’s perspective, take accountability, hug and move on. I mean, that’s really what it’s all about. Love is about sharing the things that might be hard to hear, but you share things out of love and intent to walk with that person through their decision of that suggestion and support during the change, or an acceptance if the suggestion isn’t taken. No one is in charge of another person, and with us both being first borns, it took us a little bit of time to really iron out our communication styles, but we could only do that after each “bonk.” Little by little, we have chosen to learn the other person and not take certain things so personally, or to state our different opinion if we have one and it’s worth stating.
It’s just so freaking cool.
I’ve learned that I can easily get set off when things change unexpectedly, I don’t have enough information about a situation or decision needing to made, too many things happening at one time, etc.. I’ve learned to pay attention to how my body/mind feels when I am starting to get overwhelmed and simply voice it to my husband. He’s learned to just hear me tell him, but I don’t need a solution, I’m just giving him a heads up that I might take some alone time. He doesn’t make me feel bad, or dumb, or overreactive, he just allows me to be me, which allows me to have the space to figure myself out in a safe space.
I’m hopeful that I can be as helpful as he is for me, though I could definitely learn how to soften my approach of things sometimes.. 1% better each day… I just haven’t gotten to that percentage yet.
So, as my husband and I continue to chisel our reality into our dream life, I am excited to share that journey with you. I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to commit to scheduled posts all the time, or that I’ll always have positive insights, or that you’ll agree with any particular thing I say, and you have every right to stop following along or block me or trash my name online or cancel me, I don’t really care. I pay the monthly fee for my website and can post whatever I want here, so just don’t come read it and it won’t bother you. <3
Anyway, God is good, I’ve learned righteous anger, facts don’t care about opinions, my experiences are my own experiences and have no need to be argued with because they are my own and you are absolutely free to disagree with my insight. I don’t care anymore about everyone liking me, I’m just gonna show up and pretend this is Blogspot in 2004 and none of my friends know this page exists.
Enjoy!
xo,
Jessica
