Ohhhhhh man. Hi. Hello. How's it going?!
The last handful of years have been quite the journey, let me tell you. And finally... I think I'm back to myself. Over the last several years I've gotten glimpses when she's popped in momentarily every few months, but primarily I've been living in fight or flight and have been managing life in each moment that it brings, unable to expand outward. However, that "solitude" led me through all kinds of paths in self-discovery. I needed it. So badly. Life had completely gotten away from me for a long time and I was in automatic mode in an environment that I thought felt safe, but my nervous system screamed otherwise. It's been HARD work to get here today with a LOT of failures along the way.
Over the last few years, I have dealt with familial death (including my Nana that passed on my daughter's birthday, three weeks before my newest was born, that many of you "met" online years ago, and I have tattooed on my forearm). I've been through the wringer, and I struggled, and I failed, and I'm here to share it all. Well, most of it anyway. That's one thing I have learned to value in a new way - living a private life. So many of you have been around for over a decade watching my story unfold and being able to update you feels necessary and I'm excited to share the goodness I get to live in each day now. But, some things are dark and painful and were out of my control and are not what I want to narrate my reality with.
So, here's all the juicy deets:
Last year I eloped with my husband, gained two sons, got pregnant and had another son (Feb of this year), tattooed, became basically disabled and had to stop, had a couple mental health situations, plus many more things that don't need permanent space in my corner of the internet. (I can share more about all of that soon enough). I've FINALLY started therapy and it's been about a year now that I've been seeing my trauma-specialized therapist in addition to getting back on my medication. I've become hyperaware of myself again, but now as more of a "let's figure out who you are" kind of way instead of a "you can never seem to be like everyone else, why can't you be normal?" kind of way. In both positive and negative capacities, I've explored the ins and outs of all of my decisions, my reactions, my emotions, my mannerisms, my feelings. I can see now that I was allowing life to happen to me for awhile now, so I never felt like I had control of any aspect of my reality. Though there were MANY things happening outside of my control, I'm typically a person that has been able to find control in uncontrollable elements. However, my ability to self-regulate dismantled itself when my reality did the same.
I'm not somebody that does well with change, and there has been a lot of change over the last handful of years. I've learned that change is not bad, I just need to better prepare myself for things that happen unexpectedly. I've always enjoyed sitting in the "problem solver" seat in all areas of my life. I can't seem to get time management right? Timers and planners. I never remember that Wednesday is late start for my kids' school? Set reminders for Monday and Tuesday prior each week so I don't wake them up an hour earlier than I need to. I forget all of the tasks I wanted to accomplish during the day? Lists of lists and boxes unchecked for the dopamine-serving check-off. Well, I haven't been as great at even recognizing certain areas that need problem solving, so each day can tend to feel overwhelming and overstimulating. It's been a tough comeback, but genuinely and truly, this side of life is finally starting to gain color and I feel like I can build on my life, instead of just living each individual moment in anxiety.
While I've been managing each moment and experience as it's happened in an upset nervous system way, I have been given the gift of true answered prayer. My whole life I have felt "different" from my peers and could never truly feel like people authentically understood me and the way I think. I remember even trying to communicate my needs to someone I wanted to connect with, and said, "I require a lot of communication" which was returned with "You REQUIRE?! Don't be so needy!" I over-explain. I over-share. I never feel like anyone can understand what I’m trying to say, especially in heated or escalated conversations.
Until..
I was going through a difficult time and decided to have some “pain therapy”, went to get another nostril piercing and ended up meeting my literal soulmate. I have met someone who CHOOSES to understand me. Who CHOOSES to not make me feel like I’m “too much” or “not enough”. Who CHOOSES me even when I’m hard to choose. Who CHOOSES me when everyone else didn’t so I can’t trust the choice, but he stays anyway so one day I can believe him. Who CHOOSES me despite the mountains of baggage I bring with me, and sometimes am a difficult person to stay connected with.
My husband has shattered my understanding of love and life in ways that actually broke me. Like, he ACTUALLY loved me in a way that triggered me to not trust him at all. This is where my C-PTSD made it clear that something needed to change. That I needed to prioritize my mental health, learn and uphold boundaries, seek proper therapy and force myself to lean onto a select few in my life to “keep an eye” on me because I was so worried about losing my mind again like I had late 2021, and through this I was pregnant in my mid-30’s and hadn’t understood how fragile my mind still was. I became someone I didn’t recognize and I didn’t recognize I was in survival mode until it got scary and I had to admit to myself and those around me that I needed help.
And you know what? I’ve been held each and every day since then. I’ve been nurtured when I’ve been difficult. I’ve been given patience when I haven’t had any to offer. I’ve been given structure when I thought I wanted independence. I’ve been given an anchor when my waves get rocky. My husband is that person. Unmoving. Reliable. Honest. Attentive. He has chosen to learn me and given me the time and space and communication I’ve needed to feel safe to lean back onto him. I married this man because time and time again, I would just barely begin to recognize a need, and he would be there in front of me with my need in his hands. He would hear the small things I say, and make them into something big and meaningful. He encourages me to do what I need and want to be happy. He understands when I’m struggling and asks the right questions to help figure out what I need, even if I don’t know what I’m needing in that moment.
I don’t mean to love-dump, but for those of you that have been around awhile, you may know how much I FEEL things, and having been misunderstood or judged for the quirks that make me me, I am now experiencing things for the first time and am having new realizations and adjustments to previously learned behavior and expectations. He has shown me the value of self-respect while also encouraging me so softly to step out of my comfort zones and ensuring I know that it’s ok if I don’t like something, or if I need to do something prior to trying something. The way this human chooses to understand and love me at such an intimate level is something I’ve craved to experience.
I’m not the easiest person all of the time, I’m learning that. I’m pretty rigid in ways I like things, change upsets me, being distracted from tasks even if you’re trying to do something nice for me, can cause irritation.. I am easily affected by my environment and it can take some time for me to regulate again after an “episode”. Yet, he is there through it all and to wrap me in his arms after I come back to myself. I’ve never felt so seen or innately understood or prioritized in the way that I am to this incredible man. God is good.
**Side note, if you’re in the Salem, OR area and want some piercings, you should reach out to him and take advantage of his 16+ years of experience. ;) Aaron Dodd is an incredible human inside and out and I am so grateful to be able to share his services that ultimately provide for our family.
Moving forward, I am not holding myself to any schedule or “requirement” just yet, but am wanting to come back into this space and connect with you. One day at a time, one realization at a time, one blog post at a time. I can’t guarantee what kind of content I’ll feel like sharing, I can’t guarantee you’ll like everything I share, I can’t guarantee you’ll even like me the same way you may have before. Life has life’d, and I’ve been impacted. I am eager to continue to figure out where I’m headed and share the journey with you, but I’ve lost the ability to mask as hard as I once did. I don’t care if you don’t choose me anymore - and that’s such a freeing feeling.
Stay tuned for an authentic view of me, my mind and my life. No pressures. No dishonesty. Just going to be as real as anyone can be on social media. If you don’t mind, welcome to Jessica.
<3
PS,
Don't forget to follow along on Instagram because sometimes it feels easier to post a story than a full post, let alone an entire blog post requiring me to formulate words when sometimes I don't have any. Be sure to let me know if there are any things you want to learn more about, and if I'm willing to expand, I'll be sure to include added details in following posts. But, also, if I don't want to talk about it, I won't. #sorrynotsorry
