For the last year or so, I’ve made it a priority to read my Bible everyday (well, almost everyday) and it’s been a special time for me to stay connected with my faith and start my day in a grateful mindset, instead of immediately having to get up and going with eye-boogers still scratching my eyes, and I forgot to prep my coffee the night before so now it’s going to be awhile before I can have my first sip. You know what I mean?
As we were preparing for the school year to start, I got all kinds of excited about the fresh notebooks and pencils and whatnot, AND I was enjoying my quiet Bible time, I decided to take it all a step further and make my own handwritten Bible. No, I’m not rewriting anything. No, it’s far from perfect and I’m not fixing the mistakes. No, I’m not using a fancy and expensive notebook. No, I’m not even copying a King James Version. Also, no, I don’t care if any of that is “wrong”.
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Growing up, my parents weren’t really religious, but we did go to Catholic mass on occasion with family. Despite this minimal exposure to anything in regards to faith, for some reason I’ve always just known that God exists. I knew my parents didn’t really believe in God, but it was never something I felt obligated to argue with them about and, sometimes, it was just easier keeping certain things to myself so no one had to make me feel silly or dumb. I don’t know how to explain it, but for some reason my faith was something that was mine.
Through the ups and downs of my life, my quiet and private relationship with God was always something that was my one consistent. Looking back, it makes that Footprints poem very applicable for me. If you aren’t familiar:
FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND
One night I dreamed
I was walking along
The beach with the Lord. Many scenes
From my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
Other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
That during the low periods of my life,
When I was suffering from
Anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could only see one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
That if I followed you,
You would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most
Trying periods of my life there have only been
One set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
You have not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen
Only one set of footprints in the sand,
Is when I carried you.”
-Author unknown, but often credited to Mary Stevenson with writing the poem in 1936, or Margaret Fishback Powers in 1943
For some reason this poem has always stuck with me after reading it when I was elementary-aged. Maybe, because there would be many, many times where He’d be carrying me and I didn’t even realize. Those are stories for another time.
But, whether or not I made it commonly known where I’ve sat with my faith over these decades, it’s always been there - but private. Mine. Eventually, after the completely unsupported and defeated experience with my police officer stepdad sexually abusing me and essentially getting away with it and my mom not believing me, well, that was the first thing that caused me to fall away from faith. How could there be a God if He can let all of that happen to me? Wouldn’t He have protected me from those absolutely terrible experiences? The longevity of each trauma lasted years, and yet I continued to feel alone so how could there be a loving God like I had been told? My mom wasn’t even there for me, how could an invisible God be there for me?
Eventually, many years later, God showed back up exactly on time.
Envision the summer of 2009. Ok? Michael Jackson died, The Hangover came out in theaters and Kanye West stole the award during her VMA video of the year acceptance speech that September. Well, this particular day, whatever day it was around that time, it was maybe 10-11am. I was living in a townhouse with my then-boyfriend (who eventually became my first husband) and we were, what you’d call, stoners. We smoked A LOT of marijuana at the time, and no, it wasn’t legal in Oregon yet. Well, typically we’d “wake and bake” but this particular morning, we hadn’t smoked just yet. Also, I was the “social/talker” of our relationship as my boyfriend at the time was very well known to be a man of few words. Knowing that, our front door knocked and I was over on the couch watching TV as he was coming down the stairs passing the front door. Because the front entryway didn’t smell like marijuana, he answered the door. And then he stepped outside and closed the door behind him.
WHAAAAAAAATTTTTT. If you know/knew him, he’s not somebody that will have a private conversation with a stranger after knocking on the front door. But, here we were. I tried to slyly peek through the blinds in the kitchen that showed the front door area and saw him talking to an older man that I didn’t recognize. I closed the blinds, climbed back down off the counter, went back to the living room and tried to rack my brain about who the heck that guy could be because this person does NOT just talk to people.
About twenty minutes later, he came back into our townhouse and, very directly stated, “I want to go to church this Sunday.”
….what. We had just met with our friend the other day and he traded a tattoo for $500 worth of marijuana. We smoked all day everyday. We had sex. We lived the epitome of a secular life and now all of a sudden, he wanted to go to church. My initial reaction was complete confusion and betrayal because then I’d have to look in the mirror myself. But then, it was ok. I told him I’d join him that Sunday. So, we went.
At the time, we attended Capital City Baptist Church which was being hosted in this modest building in south Salem. Apparently, my boyfriend had “accepted Jesus” as his Savior at our front door, and no we were here at this church and didn’t even smoke before we showed up. During this church service, I got knocked in the freaking face with God showing back up and saying, “HEYYYYY, I’M STILL HERE” and I ‘accepted’ Jesus as my Savior and was born again. I word it that way because it’s weird. I’ve always known that God was real, but in this moment, I was rededicating my life after blaspheming that there was no such thing as God and anyone who believes in Him is ridiculous. But, here I am, facing the opinion and decision once again but deciding for myself that there could be no other answer - Jesus is King.
I wonder how many people closed this page after that statement.
Either way, that church became our life. We were ‘saved’ around August/September 2009 and soon after moved into different apartments. My boyfriend let me stay in our nicer townhouse and he moved I with his friend, Chance, at our previous complex but in one of the two-bedroom units. Yeah, it had black mold. Yeah, I rode my bike that I bought at a flea market and rode home without knowing Salem, to work everyday. At the time I worked at a local Starbucks cafe. We didn’t have a drive thru so all of our regulars actually became family. Store #429 foreverrrrrrrr. I’ll talk more about this incredible two years in my eventual book.
During the winter, my boss would come pick me up in his very old Jeep Wrangler with a cracked front windshield. I lived maybe .25 miles from where we worked, but I was the opener with him so instead of walking to the cafe at 4am, he picked me up. I absolutely loved working here. Everyone I worked with AND our regulars became such a beautiful experience that I don’t think I understood at the time. But, again, a story for another time.
Let’s just say that our friends who were also our neighbors AND my boyfriend’s coworkers did not believe in God. It was such a confusing time trying to figure out how I wanted to show up to those around me, while also being true to myself. But being true to myself was far from the top of the priority list. I just wanted to be accepted and believing in God was NOT how to do that with this crowd.
I loved where I worked. I loved my coworkers. I loved my boss. I loved my job. Nothing could be better. I loved my boyfriend. We lived just blocks away from where I worked. I’d work early in the morning, get home in time to say goodbye to him for him to go to work and I’d nap and we’d spend a few hour together in the evening. Honestly, it was great.
I’ll save the proposal and quitting and all that stuff for later. But basically that’s what happened and our friendships adjusted because I didn’t include them on it all which I understand. Again, so much to talk about later. Either way, we became VERY involved with our church. My boyfriend helped with the finances of the church as well as acting as an usher while I helped with the children’s church. We also attended church on Wednesdays and Saturdays, and then served on Sundays. We read our Bibles everyday. We stopped cussing, we stopped smoking marijuana, my boyfriend literally threw his Xbox and the games into the dumpster. We threw our lives into this reality, proudly. I still don’t regret what this season of life looked like, but I do think that after a series of events that can be explained later, this is where I gained the belief that God really can’t be real because between all of the trauma I had experienced plus the feeling of disposal by a church we had given everything to, how could I give anymore faith to something/someone that “disappeared” when I needed Him most.
Because He was carrying me and I didn’t even see.
Life continued to be up and down for another decade. And then I told my boyfriend who had become my husband by this time, that I wanted a divorce. I was facing suicidal ideation because of what I was enduring and just simply trying to stay alive for our two kids. Again, a story for another time. But for context, we are now in the year 2021 and two weeks later I was told that I was not allowed to be on my own property anymore and wasn’t allowed to see my children, and all of my financial access had been unexpectedly stripped away leaving me homeless and very much in need of help. Furthermore, SOOOOO many more details accumulate here but none that aide in what I’m trying to say.
At this time I tried to reconnect with God by reading my Bible, but I was so lost in my pain and abandonment that it really didn’t matter how much I wanted to lean on God. I was where I was at emotionally and mentally and that was it. I couldn’t get back to that “relationship” feeling I had all those previous years, I was so broken and grasping at anything and everything I could to try and “get back” a life that was no more. It wasn’t until years later after I had embarrassed myself on multiple occasions, made plenty of incredible mistakes, and acted as somebody I’ve never been that I had been reintroduced to my baseline faith.
Fast forward to 2026 and I’m married to my second husband and gave birth to my youngest child, my husband had been patiently supporting me through some difficult moments the whole first part of our relationship. He also would gently encourage me to join him to go to church, or read his Bible with him in the mornings, but never forced it and never made me feel bad for any time I didn’t want to participate. The pain I was feeling in my mind was so encompassing that it was so hard to really place any cognitive attention anywhere else than what was directly in front of me.
One day I made a decision.
I remembered the saying that we are what we consume. And, at the time, I was consuming music all day everyday (still am) but was still listening to the same music I had been listening to when I was broken. So, I decided to solely listen to worship music. This included music from Josiah Queen, Forrest Frank, Micah Tyler, Seph Schlueter and Eli Gable. Sure, there’s a lot more artists and groups in my playlists, but these were some of the hard hitters for me. But I stuck with my goal and never gave myself a set amount of time that I was challenging myself for. Now, over a year later, it’s now just become my baseline in addition to reading my Bible most mornings, and even our household’s entire vibe has been more peaceful.
Now, let’s get to the handwritten Bible.
I decided to take some time, when I am able, to copy word-for-word my Bible with the sole purpose of absorbing the words in a different and more intentional way. For me, writing things out has a way to store the information more securely in my mind. I also struggle with control issues at times (I need things to be the way they need to be so there are no surprises) so being able to practice continuing after making a mistake has been good exposure therapy for me.
First, I chose to start with the New Testament because I wanted to spend time connecting with Jesus’s words directly before potentially getting bored of writing laws and rules and family generations. So, I started with Matthew. I’m still working on that book, am currently almost finished with chapter 21. I didn’t want to share my goal until I had at least done enough of it to actually become a habit instead of saying “Oh hey, look! I’m copying the Bible!” And then only copy enough for a reel.. I’m actually doing this, I promise.
When I chose what notebook to use, I wanted to eliminate as much waste as possible, in terms of paper usage. I decided the larger the notebook, the better so I would eventually have less notebooks to keep track of because obviously I wasn’t going to fit the entire Bible in one little notebook. I had previously purchased journals similar to the one I got, just smaller, and they were great. So, I just got the bigger version of it and I’m far from mad. The only sort of complaint I have is the pens I’ve chosen for the red pen bleed through the page more than I want to, but that’s a pen issue, not notebook page quality issue.
This is the notebook I’ve chosen, and I chose the green version. I also eventually learned that I want different colored pens for general literature versus Jesus’s words, and I also wanted another color to represent the impact certain versus represent. Such as, when Jesus references Old Testament scripture in his dialogue, I decided to use gold gel pen to note the Old Testament reference. Also, to prevent paper usage waste, I didn’t follow grammatical rules, I’m not separating paragraphs properly during dialogue in any fashion. Instead, I’m taking the whole physical paragraph and condensing it as one ongoing paragraph, even if ‘technically’ it should be separated a particular way. Maybe some people don’t get what I’m saying, but honestly that’s the OCD in me.
Here are the exact items I’m using for my handwritten Bible: (and if you want a fancy expensive imported journal to house your copy work, DO IT. If you want to use scratch paper or old receipts you find along the way, DO IT. It honestly don’t matter how you choose to write verses down, it’s just the act of doing so that accomplishes what it needs to. Are you ever going to reread your copy work? Probably not. It’s the act of writing it out that imbeds it deeper in your heart because you’re spending more time with each word, and each sentence.
Notebook (I love the quality of the cover and that it isn’t a spiral bind. Maybe you prefer that, but I don’t. I love how large the pages are so I feel like I’m adding as much as I can to each page, without it being a ridiculous size. I love that it is college-ruled and comes with two bookmark ribbons. It is flexible, but sturdy. Pages are thick enough to withstand pen and marker pen perfectly.)
Black pens (I loooooooove a smooth ink delivery and this is hands down my absolute favorite black pen and has been for years. Buying a bulk box of these gave me a level of dopamine I was’t prepared for. It. doesn’t bleed, it dries exceptionally quickly and is always consistent in delivery. The ONLY negative I have is that the cap doesn’t stay on the back-end of the pen at all so I either hold it in my other hand or it sits on the table in front of me making an extra step to close the pen in-between color changes. Not a big deal, at all. Just noting. It’s still my favorite pen, I just wish they’d fix this inconvenience.)
Red pens (I don’t love these. I wish they were like the black Sharpie pens, but they’re not. But I also don’t want red pencil or ball-point pen. I want something similar to the black Sharpie pens, so send it my way if you’ve got that solution.)
Gold gel pens (Oh my word, this is it. It’s the best thing you’ll ever use. It doesn’t feel or look scratchy when writing with, it glistens, it dries relatively quickly, this is your new best friend. My stepson agrees - I gave him one to use when he copies Bible verses for homeschool and it’s what gets him to do it without issue.)
Bible (I’ve had this Bible for probably a decade and a half. I remember when this version first came out and I got it because of a trend, but I definitely don’t hate the translation. It’s the linen finishing that I really love. Leather is great, but for me, the textural difference between a “touchable” linen versus a smooth leather is just a different dopamine level. Always, King James Version is the most direct translation from the original languages, but I personally enjoy being able to absorb the words in a more relative way when reading. Anytime something stands out to me or I have questions about it, I cross reference it with other translations and go from there. Sometimes the same verse in CSV (Christian standard version) translation varies significantly from NIV (new international version) translation versus KJV (King James Version), etc)
I originally planned on writing one chapter a day which seems super feasible, especially when spread out throughout the day. If accomplished, it would still take me over three years to accomplish writing the entire Bible by hand, chapter-by-chapter. I was super optimistic that I could make that happen, but reality has shown that sometimes I can copy three sentences, and sometimes I can copy two whole chapters. I’ve relinquished the expectation of self to get a certain amount done per day, and have chosen to just enjoy this project whenever I’m able to work on it. And, honestly, that’s been the ticket for me.
Not only that, I’ve chosen to interact with this project in all realms of emotion. If I’m happy, angry, frustrated, impatient, calm, quiet, proud, “off”, I choose to show up. Like I said, sometimes I can get a few words written down on any given day, and others I’m able to accomplish a lot. For somebody who struggles with OCD tendencies, it’s VERY hard to not punish myself for not sticking to a decision I’ve made and said out loud. However, this is the perfect project to challenge me to let me just exist and process life as it happens and show up when I’m able. Sometimes I feel like when I show up I need to show all the way up and it’s then a decision that I have to stick with, otherwise I’m letting people down or I’m in the wrong. However, between mental and physical health issues, I’ve been given situations that I have to accept I have no control over anything. Relinquishing control over how much time and effort I give to this self-prescribed project has been a challenge my therapist would be proud of.
I think God knows that we have responsibilities in each and everyday. He doesn’t expect us to drop whatever we’re doing to give him 100% attention all of the time. He wants us to enjoy the lives he’s given us and give thanks for those delightful experiences. All good comes from God. Even if it’s small. The earth and human nature is filled with sin and negativity, and the only way good and positivity can exist is through God. All good, big and small, is sourced from the Source itself. Good cannot exist without God present, because all good is God manifested. Even in the small moments like the smell of fresh rain, or the sound of the ocean, or the cooling feeling of the wind during a walk, those good feelings are ONLY because God exists. For those that don’t understand, I sound like a lunatic. I get it. However, all good exists because that is what God is. If it’s not good, it’s not God. If it’s anything other than good, it’s of the earth, not God.
Choosing to recognize each and every small and big goodness in your life, is recognizing each and every small and big way God is showing up for you. You didn’t hit a single red light when you’re running five minutes late? God did that. You don’t have enough to cover your rent but you receive an unexpected and earned financial blessing at the exact minute you need it? God did that. Even if you don’t believe in God, He is still showing up for you. He loves you THAT much. Again, I don’t really care if you think I sound crazy. If you know, you know. And I don’t need to argue about it.
I’ve definitely created this post to be SIGNIFICANTLY longer than I originally anticipated, but clearly I had a lot to say. If you want to join me either privately or publicly in this handwritten Bible project, it would mean a lot to me. If you want to do it privately as a singular and personal experience, please welcome that for yourself because honestly, that’s what this is for me, also. If you want to experience that same thing but share it with others, please do that. If you want to share it online and it become a whole series for you, do it. Honestly, the more people who are exposed to the Bible whether or not they are reading it, the better. Let’s spread the Word of God in ways that others don’t even understand they are receiving it. Let’s con the devil with precise intention while also nurturing our own relationship with God.
This was a lot of words - if you’ve gotten this far it’s for a reason. This is a Jesus Generation.
Xo,
Jessica
