Holy moleyyyyyyyyyyy...
HI!!! Okay, okay... I know it's been TOO long since I've shown up to chit chat, but that's probably for the best. When you're exceptionally upset, depressed, hurt and betrayed, it's best not to expose those raw emotions to the rest of the world via the internet. So, I chose to step away to deal with every single one of those feelings.
Since I have always been honest with you all about my struggles through life, I feel as though I do owe you, my friend, a little (edited) version of where I've been the last severalllllll months. So, here we go:
The internet is a funny thing, isn't it? We always read about how social media is essentially everyone's "highlight reel" and what everyone wants others to perceive of them - and I am no different. Though I share struggles I dealt with growing up, I wasn't very honest with the struggles I was dealing with in the present because I didn't want to believe them, and I thought I knew it would change. However, throughout 2021, my marriage was not what it once was and despite every effort to rectify the issues, things only got worse and I left. The details of what happened do not need to be shared, but I do find it important to remind EVERYONE that it is NEVER ok to allow someone to treat you poorly and leave you hyperventilating and vomiting from anxiety each and everyday. Narcissism is dangerous and anyone experiencing symptoms of narcissism should care enough about the people around them to prioritize healing and growing over excusing the behavior. That is all I'll say about that, for now.
SO, the details that I don't mind sharing:
In November I found myself unexpectedly homeless with my new puppy. I almost ended my life in November, and the only reason I didn't was because I had too many people reaching out to me because they said I was on their heart and they felt the need to reach out and let me know they were there for me, and SEVERAL of them mentioned that they had a hard time reaching out like that because they didn't know what was going on, but just felt the need to show up for me. You guys, I can't even begin to explain how much those people mean to me. I cannot describe where my mind was at for a few months due to the situations that were placed on me and to be able to sit here today after healing the bits I have been able to and being proud to be alive today, means more to me than I can express.
During December, I had a friend take care of my puppy while I had no way of caring for her. Eventually my friend was unable to continue caring for her and I was found needing to find her a new home because I still was not in a position to care for her, let alone myself. So, Harlowe has a new home with a loving owner here in town who could love and care for her when I was unable to. I miss her like you don't even know. She was there for me each night I was alone, and I choose to reside in the perspective that she was there for me as my emotional support during the time I needed her most, and now she gets to serve that purpose for even more people. I hope to not get flack for this, but you can only do the best you can in the seasons you're in. So, yeah. Don't hate me.
Once I was able to move into my own apartment, things began to feel a little more normal. I did not have a car due to situations outside of my control once I was no longer at my home, so the lack of independence really affected me. However, I had a friend who showed up for me in so many ways that I was still able to motion through life step-by-step and helped me not to drown. I eventually got a new job, but just recently chose to pursue all of my attention back into The Hook Nook, in hopes that I can find my passions and motivation again. The feeling I have when I write, when I crochet, when I am able to continue relationships with other makers as well as individuals at various companies, is something I want to prioritize again. The last six months made me lose myself, entirely. However, now that I am beginning to gain my footing again, I am encouraged to continue to grow and heal and fall back in love with life.
SO, the ways I have been making these efforts has been to allow myself to not feel guilty about reading books. I've already read through It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover and am now halfway through Verity by the same author. I love that I have been able to connect with old and new friends over books, a part of me that I have not given space to for a long time. In addition to reading, I'm also loving being back at the coffeeshop I used to visit allllllllll the time. It feels so good and I'm actually sitting in a booth right now while I write this. I love hearing the busy-ness of the everything happening around me, and getting to run into people for little conversations (usually about books). I love that I feel creative here and it feels easy to write, probably because I used to come here to do THN work often and I am an immense creature of habit. This seems to prove that.
I'm also trying to lean into my gut, and give those feelings space to be seen and heard within me. I realized that had I valued those feelings in other situations, I would have been respecting myself in ways I deserved, but instead chose to ignore them so that I was the only person getting hurt. I don't want to do that anymore. I believe in myself and what I have to offer. I believe that my life will be what I make it - and I want to make it one I am immensely proud to live. Sometimes I have to make mistakes to learn new lessons, but they often end up being lessons that make for a better quality of life, for me, if I allow those lessons to be lessons and not excuses for bad behavior. I'm still figuring that part out, and some days are better than others, but overall, I want to look back at this season of my life and be proud that I always stood up for myself, valued my time and space, and begin to learn forgiveness and grace in those that hurt me most. Always easier said than done.
I can't wait to come back and write my next update here and watch the progress I make for myself. I appreciate each and every one of you for helping me along the way.
So, cheers to today. Cheers to every step that each of us takes to better ourselves, to prioritize healing, to appreciate those who are around us and make life worth living. Let's do this. :)
xo,
Jessica
